When the pencil stopped working...

I placed the pencil down gently alongside the finished drawing. It was time to do a quick tidy of the studio before I embraced the Christmas break with open arms. The run up to Christmas was always the busiest time of the year, as customer orders increased and I gratefully packaged up parcels containing prints, greeting cards, copies of my books and framed artwork. This was my eighth Christmas in my studio, and I still couldn’t believe people purchased my products, especially as gifts for others. That fleeting moment of insecurity was nothing new, in a way it kept me humble I felt. I shut down the laptop, and listened as the hum of the printers disappeared into silence after being unplugged at the wall. I was so looking forward to this break, but there was a heaviness with it that I hadn’t encountered before.

To be frank, I had lost my direction. A combination of things (stolen artwork online, the endless lists of things to do to protect ownership of artwork in a new world of AI, rising business costs, and some negative experiences on social media) had finally come to a head. I stepped away. That was 7 months ago and since then so much has happened.

With a background in yoga, I did what I always do in times of trouble and lived on my yoga mat. I practised, completed further training, taught some classes locally, meditated, and walked (a lot!!) I also started to write, without drawing. It might seem strange that I emphasise writing without drawing, but the two individual modalities of expression have always been a part of me. I felt I needed to off load my thoughts without pairing them with drawings of my two little characters. These words were just for me. As always, writing became a therapeutic exercise where I tried to figure out where this path of mine had disappeared to (as it felt at the time).

Some things became clear. I still loved to write, it’s a part of me that is so essential to my wellbeing. I feel I am a better person for having written. It doesn’t matter if it’s just for my eyes or for others, the act of writing itself brings things into focus for me and unties knots that I can’t otherwise. And so I wrote, and read, and listened to podcasts, and walked.

It’s now mid-July. I gave it time. I changed how I use social media, and instead of posting digital files of my drawings only (which are very difficult to protect from theft anymore), I slowly returned to my account the way I used to use it, sharing snippets of my day, or thoughts, in an attempt to let you get to know the real person behind the account. This is what I did in the earliest days, and somewhere along the way I got tied up in only showing my artistic output.

I also made some plans, both writing and drawing plans! I took a huge step outside of my comfort zone and nervously hosted my first zoom gathering in May to mark the 3^rd birthday of my first book, The Girl And The Dog. It felt important for many reasons, and as my emotions surfaced during the reading of the book online that evening, I knew I was finding my way back to myself.

The Survey

I created an online survey to gauge interest in my hopes to create an online writing community, a quiet, low-pressure space for people who want to explore their own creativity or simply find solace in words. I thought maybe a handful of people might reply, but was genuinely taken aback by the amount of people who took the time to answer the questions and who even added in extra comments themselves. Words of encouragement, and genuine expression of interest motivated me more than those who took part, might ever realise.

There was also something else about the survey that, when first writing the questions, I hadn’t realised the importance of. The first question was a broad one trying to see where people were on their writing journey, along the lines of

Which statement best describes you?

I write actively (this can be in any form for any amount time, e.g. journalling, poetry, fiction, non-fiction)

I don't currently spend time writing but I would like to explore it more

I don't write, and I'm more interested in following your work and book updates.

The final option then directed the respondent to the thank you page (I didn’t want to annoy people with questions about a writing community if it wasn’t something they would be interested in). But it in fact highlighted something else, which I hadn't even considered a possibility when writing the questions. There were so many who are interested in writing themselves (what the survey was trying to gauge!), but there were a large proportion who were also still interested in my work… my artwork, my books, my greeting cards… all of the parts that I have worked on for years, and that I felt perhaps were losing their appeal (niggling internal critic again!) The response to this question gave me a reason to pick up my pencil again. That might sound dramatic, but it’s the silent, encouraging, gentle gestures of kindness that can have the most impact.

And so I finally did, last Sunday.

This might seem like a simple realisation, but for someone like me who likes to try to focus on one thing and then gives her absolute all to that, it’s a big step to realise that I can draw, and I can write (about unrelated topics), and perhaps some people might like to join me in my plans for a writing community, but perhaps others might like to continue to see where my art, and art-related product range goes. It’s ok to do both, to explore both, and to give to both. I’ve written previously that I don’t know what my job title is, and how slotting myself into labelled boxes has never worked for me. I’m a creative person who writes, and draws, and loves to make things. I’m still learning to be more flexible with my creative thinking, to embrace my own ideas and to try to encourage myself to follow them all. As someone with an introvert type personality, my focus on all of this can be intense, but it’s from those depths of thinking and creating and writing and drawing and making, that all of the joy can spring.

I have plans for the Autumn, both for writing, and for my art. If you are on my mailing list, you will read about them in my July letter that I’m sending out today. If you’re not, and would like to join the mailing list, you would be so very welcome. I will be unveiling the finer details in August! --> Join the mailing list here.

Thank you as always for reading, supporting, and for your interest in my work. This feels like a vulnerable share, and I hope that in writing about this, it might resonate with others. Feel free to drop a comment below, I’d love to hear from you!

Deborah x